New Zealand psychologists are invited to explore the true impact of gaslighting, framed not as a label but as a lived distortion of…
"I started questioning everything — even my own memories."
Using the term gaslighting might seem convenient.
It’s widely recognised, especially thanks to the old film.
But the word itself can still obscure the felt experience.
Let’s say it differently:
"Living with an induced uncertain understanding of myself and the world —
daily and in every situation."
That’s gaslighting. Not a label.
A lived distortion.
It erodes your understanding of what’s real. Things you were once sure of — clear memories, instincts, facts — become hazy. Untrustworthy.
"Did I really say that?"
"Did I misunderstand him again?"
You begin to doubt not just your memory, but your being.
Gaslighting is rarely chaotic at first. It’s crafted. Strategic.
Especially when the Gaslighter is a narcissist or psychopath — skilled manipulators who want not just obedience, but dependence.
And slowly, the distortion grows.
You find yourself asking them what’s real.
Their perception becomes your anchor.
Their approval, your compass.
Your anxiety, constant.
The more you lose trust in yourself, the more you cling to them —
even when they are the very ones unravelling your inner world.
"He asked me to fold the underwear the Kondo way."
It felt harmless. Domestic. A shared preference.
Until it didn’t.
Until not folding it that way became a sign of your failure.
An accusation: You don’t care. You don’t listen. You’re selfish.
A weapon.
This is how gaslighting infiltrates the everyday.
It turns routines into traps. Requests into tests.
You’re never quite right — because the rules keep changing.
Gaslighting doesn’t happen overnight.
It’s a slow, meticulous re-education of your reality.
And oddly, this is one of the only times your narcissist will be consistent.
Day after day, their reality replaces yours — until you’re no longer sure what’s true, who you are, or why you feel so wrong inside.
This is not miscommunication.
It’s control.
You’ve been groomed into the Gaslighter’s other world.
And your real self is trapped on the outside.
You might not have hard evidence at first.
Just a flicker of knowing. A whisper:
"But this is not true."
That whisper is the beginning.
When you start trusting those tiny pulses of dissonance —
even without proof —
you begin to return to yourself.
That voice is your lifeline. The signal.
The one that can lead you home.
You were trained into confusion.
You were re-wired by someone who needed you unsure.
And so the journey back will also take time.
But it can be done. Not with rage. Not with shame.
With gentleness. With truth.
Because this was a journey into someone else's reality —
and now, it’s time to come back to your realness.
Please note:
Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog focuses solely on narcissism as I’ve encountered it — both as a psychologist and as a woman.
To share knowledge, we need more than facts.
We need the truths women live when their worlds are rewritten in someone else’s image.
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
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