We’ve all seen them in the movies:
A bunch of people sitting in a circle, in a church hall somewhere. Free coffee and biscuits.
“Hi, I’m Brad and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Brad.”
And afterwards:
“Thanks for sharing.”
Recovery groups. Support groups. 12 Step. Can anything so lame be useful? Surely that kind of thing is only for the really down and out? A bunch of desperate old addicts. Well... no. There are many kinds of 12 Step meeting in the world, and of course today they are all online too. 12 Step works for any kind of “devoted habit” whether yours is shopping, work, sex, love, food, being busy all the time, rescuing others or being addicted to your pain and suffering. The latter would fall under the jurisdiction of CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous). It’s not always about substances.
Addiction is anything we do to alter our mood, escaping from our reality and emotions. As people who’ve had trauma in our histories (and surely that is all of us), we are all likely to use something to escape from time to time. This is not inherently bad or problematic. We assess where we are at by asking, “Has my life become unmanageable?” “Am I powerless to stop X even though I have tried everything I know how?” “Am I experiencing a kind of insanity?” “Am I tallying up losses because of my addictive behaviour, negative consequences personally, in relationships and at work, and yet unable to desist?” “What am I doing that hurts me and sabotages my life?”
The answer to that last question is key. It encompasses negative thinking, tolerance of abuse, the ways in which you might abuse others and yourself, the ways in which you ignore yourself and your dreams and desires, always putting yourself second, playing the victim, saying yes when you want to say no, etc... You can see that the list is endless. I often need to help clients understand that their self-criticism, the way they judge their humanity, is actually the bad habit here... rather than the failings they perceive. The problem is self-loathing, which is a nasty outcome of trauma.
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection. Connecting with ourselves in the spirit of self-love (most of us have to actively work on learning how to do this) and connecting with others in true love – which involves kindness, patience and forgiveness. The third leg is connecting with something greater than or beyond ourselves, in other words moving beyond wholly egoic functioning and opening ourselves to Flow. We could conceive of this as tapping into universal love or consciousness.
There is magic in 12 Step. It is said that “the 12 Steps will take you anywhere you want to go.”
Marian Keyes, one of my favourite authors, is famously an alcoholic in recovery. Though she doesn’t make too much of it, she has been known to “pop down to the Sobriety Emporium” (nearest AA Meeting) in any new city her book tours take her to. She has written a hilarious and profound book about Rehab called Rachel’s Holiday that perfectly captures the internal dialogue of denial. It’s beautiful to see how the character changes, undergoing a shift in mindset. It works when you work it!
But first you need to admit you have a problem. And that you are powerless over your addiction. Often we have to find ourselves in a rock-bottom situation before we are willing to do this. But when we do, embracing humility, we become teachable and ironically there is empowerment in this.
12 Step meetings are by donation and anonymous (we don’t use our surnames) so that we can talk most freely and honestly about our struggles and what we are learning. We share our experience, strength and hope. There is no cross-talk or advice-giving in these meetings – to avoid the pitfall of focusing on everyone except yourself. For many of us, this kind of searingly honest talk makes us sweat bullets – there is nowhere else in our lives that we are doing this. But it is so good to hear yourself out loud.
Addicts are notoriously restless, disgruntled and chronically bored. We struggle to sit still, to be with ourselves and to “be here now.” This is because of past events in which it was unbearable to be present – when we felt helpless and out of control. Over years we learned patterns of control, projection and dissociation, patterns which make our current adult lives and relationships a nightmare. We are hyper-vigilant and compulsively self-reliant, because we are terrified. We are angry but we suppress it, becoming depressed – or we periodically explode. If you think about it, being reactive, blaming another, picking a fight or simply being snappy, are all ways of rejecting our emotional experience in the moment.
Recovery is about agreeing to life on life’s terms, accepting reality at all costs – and experiencing that there is joy and serenity in this. Learning how to slow down, have your feelings, and trust the universe of which you are a part. Receiving a sense of peace and belonging despite the external situation we find ourselves in. When we do this kind of internal work, there is a profound ripple effect on everything around us. This is more helpful in improving our lives than always wishing for different circumstances and pushing others to change their ways.
I’ll end this article with the 12 Promises of CoDA. At first when you attend CoDA meetings, they may seem very far out of reach. But millions of people world-wide have learned that with daily application and the support of a recovery community, these things do actually come true. By making an honest effort to work the 12 Steps, you can expect a near-miraculous change:
1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
3. I know a new freedom.
4. I release myself from worry, guilt and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
8. I learn that it is possible to mend – to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
11. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.