New Zealand psychologists, gain practical strategies for supporting clients entangled with narcissistic individuals. Discover how to facilitate awareness, implement protective measures, and help clients reframe these experiences for significant personal healing.
In my 3-part series of talks on Calabash about narcissism, it becomes obvious that people are attracted to narcissists, who present in multiple ways, many of them subtle and unexpected. That despite the destructive, often devastating effects of narcissistic relational patterns, we still love such individuals.
We may not know what we are dealing with until we are in over our heads. They create massive intra-psychic confusion in others and are confounding, and yet we don’t know how to leave. Quite simply, they make us feel powerless and unstable and then blame us for it.
In this article I propose a perhaps counter-intuitive attitude that the partner can adopt, and some tools that can be useful in handling the narcissist. This is put forward with the understanding that people with an intractable personality disorder like NPD are unlikely to want to change, and probably unable to.
That is conceivably our first port of call, accepting that the only change that can come is in the choices we make over our own behaviour and thinking. Deciding to give up on toxic hope and toxic empathy is a good place to begin. It is not our job to fix the person with NPD, but to embrace the opportunity, namely for healing our own childhood wounding, which they ultimately present. This is the gift of the narcissistic encounter, whether the relationship lasts or flounders. It can show us who we really are and move us towards psycho-emotional wholeness.
How can we be the change we'd like to see?
Instead of demanding that the narcissist mend their ways, particularly if they seem disinclined to do so, we can adjust our own attitude.
Most sensitive individuals who present with over-empathy tend to over-compensate or over-reach towards the narcissist, getting out of their own lane in the swimming pool as it were, or to mix metaphors, becoming a doormat. The narcissist tends to reinforce this behaviour in others by becoming punitive and threatening when thwarted in their own desires.
Therefore, establishing new boundaries becomes important. Most of us need to practice doing this, and it is challenging because it can feel unnatural and there will be push-back. Ample support is required. Many of us need tips and coaching in how to do boundaries effectively: which words to choose, and how to action them.
Relating to a narcissist asks of us that we really determine what it is we want, what our bottom line is and our values are. And learning how to communicate (not over-communicate) these, in simple and straightforward terms that are not aggressive. Less is more. We want to avoid drama and conflict – which again is tricky territory, because the narcissist thrives on these, experiencing them as a form of attention.
An essential part of working with the narcissistic encounter in such a way that true benefit arises, is being willing to feel our own emotions as body sensations, so that they can be processed and released. Pleasing the narcissist and walking on eggshells is a repressive attempt at not feeling the childhood hurts they evoke in us so vividly. We try to stay safe instead.
We want to avoid reflexively reacting out of woundedness, choosing our response instead. This involves consciously taking the pause. I encourage clients to slow down and be mindful of how they express themselves. Keep your side of the street (or the swimming-pool!) clean. Be prepared to let go and not always insist on being right.
It is also good to acknowledge that narcissists function within an addictive cycle and our own attraction to them may involve chemical dependency – on dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin and the like. Of course, there is ample adrenaline involved in situations with narcissists too, and the invariable relief of kiss-and-make-up, till the next time.
Is this love? Or are we stuck in a trauma-based attachment that endlessly replays the past? How can we do the opposite of what we used to do, which is the hallmark of change?
For example, do we need to practice detachment, rather than reaching for control from a place of anxiety? Do we need to learn to flow rather than micro-manage? If we usually fall off our own list in the midst of all this narcissistic chaos, do we now need to focus more on our own joys, our own pleasure and hobbies? On self-care maybe?
Certainly, this article does not mean to encourage the tolerance of abuse. If the aforementioned tactics do not bring solace, or worse, intensify the gridlock with a narcissist, it can be worth preparing to “run quietly”.
In my third talk I look in practical detail at how to assist clients recover from narcissistic abuse, which requires a very specific approach to be effective. Ordinary talking therapy may help the client ventilate but is not enough. A sustained cleansing and healing process is required, with both somatic and spiritual aspects, in order for the individual to integrate and individuate in the way that Jung described. To realise that they are in fact the Persian carpet on the wall, albeit a slightly damp one. And to start treating themselves as such.
References
Beattie, M. (2022). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. New York: Spiegel & Grau.
Carnes, P. (1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitative relationships. Florida: Health Communications, Inc.
Chödrön, P. (2002). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Boston: Shambhala.
Durvasula, R. (2024). It’s not you: Identifying and healing from narcissistic people. New York: The Open Field/Penguin.
Northrup, C. (2019). Dodging energy vampires: An empath’s guide to evading relationships that drain you and restoring your health and power. Carlsbad: Hay House.
Orloff, J. (2017). The empath’s survival guide: Life strategies for sensitive people. Louisville: Sounds True.
San Angelo, S. (2025). Carl Jung on empaths: A complete guide to emotional sensitivity, intuition, individuation, and shadow work for highly sensitive people. Charleston: Back Alley Publications.
Whitfield, C. (1993). Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting and enjoying the self. Florida: Health Communications, Inc.
Narcissism is on the rise and has many faces – empathic practitioners beware!